The Desert

It seems like yesterday, a beautiful Panhandle day, when I sat under the shade of our tree in front of our modest home. I remember spending most of my days under this tree reading and playing. I remember this tree from my earliest of memories. As it grew, I grew. I watered it every day after school. I miss my sweet tree.

Lately so many things have passed through my mind. Nearly three years ago began my journey as a married woman. It also marked leaving my family to begin my own. Two years ago we became pregnant with our sweet “peanut”. And, nearly two years ago Justin and I left our “home” and came to the desert.

I have heard many times in church that God will always give you what you can handle. Along side this advice, sometimes you are in lush, green pastures and sometimes you are in the dry desert. That is where I have been for nearly two years. Funny isn’t it? For those of you who know the Texas Panhandle know that is as close to the desert as you want to be. Currently I live in North Texas, Dallas-Fort Worth, the home of shopping, shopping and more shopping. There are cities of concrete and row upon row of houses. There is more entertainment than you could imagine. So why is this land of plenty a desert?

We both miss the “family” feeling at Bell Helicopter. We miss the weekend pot luck gatherings at Carl’s house where everyone just hung out while all the kids ran around and through the house. It was so funny when one dad ran out of the house once he spotted his toddler going potty in the yard. Apparently the little tike preferred grass to the indoor flush-a-mathingy. Even though I did not understand at the time why people would spend so much money on them just to have them crash, I still miss watching Justin and the other engineers fly the airplanes they had built. I miss hearing all the drama from work too. Justin’s current job is wonderful, but there is not the closeness and common interests of the engineer group like at Bell. I miss Justin having guy friends to hang out with – being here has changed Justin’s personality a bit. But, that is why I signed Justin up for his local Texas A&M Alum Club. I am hoping he takes time to connect with others that have a similar interest.

We also miss alone time. I have, at most, spent three hours without Jacob. Justin and I have had time alone, just the two of us, maybe, six times in the past 14 months. And, we have not left Jacob overnight. This is because we have few friends here, do not have a church family, have no family close by, I did not work before Jacob was born (upon moving to DFW) and Jacob has been a nursed baby and does not want to wean. And, we are kinda scared to leave him overnight. Oh my!

The desert for me is not having close girl friends nearby. I am beginning to branch out. I have met a new friend during Jacob’s swim class. She is also from Amarillo! I also met two Moms at a neighborhood garage sale. They were super nice and offered to take Jacob anytime. I have gotten to know more than just my immediate neighbors. I also want to start an Adventure Dinner club, as suggested by a wonderful friend of mine. And, when we went to Cabela’s for Father’s Day, I got an additional contact. I now have three networking contacts. Have I called them? No. Am I going to? Yes!

It was exciting for me to ask the display worker about the marketing department. From there I gained the marketing managers information. I also have a marketing contact at a local Cancer Center. When I spoke briefly with the Rangers worker, I felt like my self. I was bold, I asked good questions to get a good response, I gathered information, and took the opportunity to ask for what I needed. I need to network. I need to have some contact with the working world. I am not ready to go back to work, but I need to learn more about how DFW works in terms of public relations/marketing/etc. I need to find out about local meetings and simply put my name out there. When I am ready to return to work, I will already have the foundation laid.

The other part of the desert is the emotional side. I am not sure if it is hormonal or just the isolation, but I have been very unhappy. I have been unhappy with Justin, my feet, my clothes, my grass, my everything. I strive to remember what it “use to be like” before moving and having a baby, before “getting married”. The pregnancy brain stayed with me and sometimes comes back momentarily. My mother in law gave me a beautiful journal for Mother’s Day. However, jumbled up feelings and emotions would come out. Mainly a sense of loss has come over me; that is a better word than “unhappy”. So, I put the journal away. That’s also part of why I haven’t blogged. I perceived my loss being moving from Amarillo. It is to an extent. An even bigger loss is memories. I do not take the time each day to remember. To remember Justin’s smile the first time I saw him at a wrestling meet, the way the world looked outside my bedroom window growing up, or the beautiful way Jacob holds his hands and has held them since the first time I touched him. Justin is such the person to not really care about the little things. This is wrong to do, and I have lazily allowed my self to become the same way. So, I told Justin that we have to remember all the little things, and we do have to think about them or we loose part of ourselves. He often gets perturbed when someone repeats the same story over and over. But, maybe that is their way of remembering a joy in their life, and that keeps them going. History is good. And, Justin is becoming more of a rememberer because he sees the joy it brings me. So it is good. It is good to remember. It is good to celebrate the little things, and it is good to remember all the little things others do for you each day!

You know this. I know this. Sometimes, we just have to work through it to really understand it.

As I mentioned earlier, I spent so much of my time under our front yard tree growing up. It has so many wonderful memories for me. And, I want to share them with you over time. I love posting about Jacob, and will continue to do so, but I need more substance. I want to use my gifts, my writing, to be a blessing. So, as I get back to the order of life, you will see a different Blog, and hopefully some topics can bless you as a friend or Mom.

Thank you always for praying for me and my family!
Susan