My absecne is from a heavy heart. The past weeks, I have cried and prayed with so many of you in this blogging world for those sick and those who have passed. I have also cried for my own heart. God has been impressing on me what sin has been allowed in to roost. I have also cried for my children and their salvation.
About six years ago, I had no real source of income. I worked at Starbucks part time and substituted. My parents paid my rent in a small, old apartment - one that my oldest sister lived in while attending college, nearly 10 years prior. I had moved to Amarillo from Houston. I did not live in Houston very long, but moved there after graduating college in 2001. I have always felt God calling to me, and when I was laid off in 2002, God whispered that it happened for a reason. I was walking up the three flights of stairs to my over-priced apartment and I began to cry because God loved me, even though I did not feel desirable. Over the next year, I did whatever kind of work was available. It was very hard to find full time work as a college graduate. I had many, many fabulous interviews and even made it to the final two for many positions located across Texas, but nothing came through. It was January 2003, and my hours at Starbucks were not increasing. I felt God say, "Trust me and depend only on me for everything." I talked to my Dad, who at the time was not close to God, and he agreed that I should leave Starbucks and take substituting when available. That meant I had no job. Over the next few months, I learned to trust Him. I fasted in asking God to prove himself and provide for me. I gave up eating meat since that is what I felt God asking me to do. Sounds easy? It was so hard. There were days I felt so hungry. And, I made this commitment to God without knowing a date when it would end. One little thing to make me weak enough to fall to my knees and trust Him in a way I had never known. I wept over my past, ways I sinned towards others, and ways that I had sinned against God. I was alone, learning to be wise and depend on the word. God dealt with my past relationships and how the world's view of dating was not His view. I also stopped trying to fill my heart with the hope of marriage right around the corner. God also reminded me that He has called all of us to GO...to minister to others all around the world.
I was given a full time job in June 2003 as a doctor's assistant for an Optician. I also had meat again after several months of fasting. Boy do I love chicken! So yummy!
I cannot say everything went well during the waiting or after the waiting. My relationship with my Dad was horrible, and had been for many years. I was humbled so often with this new job, where I was paid just under $10 and hour with a bachelor's degree. But during this time from receiving my job until I married my husband in 2005, God did many things!
I met Justin while working for Broome Optical. I worked with Justin's Mom and Sister In Law. I would love to say that was great, but when we began dating it was not fun for several months. Mostly because they did not understand why I was not kissing Justin, or flinging myself on him. At least that is what I perceived. But, God resolved those issues and made them blessings. During this time, I volunteered with Ronald McDonald House and learned to pray for the parents I served in the hospital RMD room. Even though I had a job, I continued searching for a job in my degree field. That was tough since public relations and marketing jobs are hard to find after a recession. During this time, my parents left the only home I knew and moved to Amarillo so I could live with them. That was a blessing and sometimes not a blessing. It was in the country. I saw first hand God protect me from my Dad's anger, a grass fire that swelled around our house but did not take it, and the discouragement that lay before me. It was also a time where Justin came to our home for our first date, and my Mom met him, and she liked him so much. During this time, Justin and I became engaged. I also followed God and went to Taiwan 6 weeks before we married, on a short engagement. You know, I told my Dad about Taiwan, and when I was younger and in college, he mocked me for wanting to go on missions. This was different and I knew God was in it. I went, trusting God, not knowing if I would come back. You never know when a plane will crash, especially when you are in one for 24 hours straight. When I came home, I was changed even more.
I would love to say that since marrying Justin, life has been wonderful. But, I realized that the past three years have been my heart falling away from God - in not fully trusting Him like I did when I was hungry and tired and without hope. I have been trustung Justin for what is God's to trust in. A test, a long test to see if I would turn away from God and take my family with me. I am not turning away.
God thank you for weeping. Thank you for changing my heart toward my husband, son, and new little one. Thank you for bringing the lesson of Taiwan back to me today. And, thank you for Kelsey's Facebook post saying that living silently for Christ and not being a Christ follower are the same. Thank you for showing me how to let go of hurt from friends. And, thank you for reminding me that each day is new and I am not bound to who I was yesterday because You daily change me.
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